Don’t Stick Your Dick in Crazy

You didn’t think I knew why you were coming over tonight.

But I’m always one step ahead.

Remember last weekend when you showed up for a late-night piece of ass and ended up passing out after? You left your phone unlocked, dummy.

Who’s Candace? She’s pretty — in a trashy sort of way. Kind of like a Walmart version of me.

I saw your conversations in your DMs on Instagram. You really liked that blue bikini she wears at the lake. And those radiant green eyes (your words, not mine) that pierce through the camera and right into your soul. You really laid it on thick.

Props to you, though. I mean, it worked. Weeks of conversations I scrolled through, ending with the one of you telling her you’re ending things with me so you can be with her.

Does that sound about right?

That’s how I was one step ahead of you tonight. I planned everything. Even went to the sex store alone. And you know how shy I am. Where do you think that bangin’ ass red dress I had on came from? They don’t sell that shit at Macy’s.

The look on your face was worth the $80 I spent on it. But I think I wasted my time doing my hair and makeup because your eyes never made it past my tits. Did you like how the dress cut all the way down the front? It left little to the imagination, didn’t it?

Fuck yes, your pervy ass liked it.

You were speechless when I led you inside the apartment. Like a cat had got your tongue. Suddenly dumping me wasn’t so easy when all you could think about was ripping off my clothes and seeing the gifts hidden beneath.

I wasn’t about to make it easy on you.

You lost the second you entered my lair. If you were serious about dumping me, you’d have done it in the doorway, but you couldn’t resist what I had in store for you. Probably thought, What’s the harm in hitting it one last time?

Little did you know.

I led you into the dining room and sat you down at the table. You looked confused. Like, why dress up in this racy outfit just to serve you dinner? Not realizing I was the appetizer, the main course, and dessert.